Student Teaching in the New Millenium

State of the Pharoahs Address

In Exodus, Midrash on January 25, 2012 at 8:00 am

Parsha Bo

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Hold out your arm over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come upon the land of Egypt and eat up all the grasses in the land, whatever the hail has left.”

So Moses held out his rod over the land of Egypt, and the…Locusts invaded.

Exodus 10.12-14

Friends, countrymen, fellow Egyptians:

Our program of social inequality has never been more successful. The income gap is better than ever, with us Pharoahs living at the height of luxury, and the people making just enough to feed themselves and their children, which is all anyone really needs, isn’t it? Solid gold toilets are overrated, really. They chafe like hell and, at the end of the day, it all goes to the same place anyway.

No, the people don’t need solid gold toilets. Neither do we, which is why we downgraded to chased silver toilets in light of the plague crisis. They chafe more, but we all must make sacrifices, to please Moses and this God creep. And at the end of the day, it still goes to the same place anyway.

Maybe this is our problem. We need to find a way to keep our poo and their poo separate. I mean, this works for everything else. Our palaces, their houses. Our chaise-carts, their wheelbarrows. Our religion, their cult. This last one worked really well. Our religion gave us money. Their cult gave them values. The people are so stupid. Don’t they know that values have no value?

That’s why its so important to put a cash value on everything! Take human life, for example. Calculated Return On Investment tells us if paying insurance claims are worth it. After all, we all must make sacrifices.

Tying up self worth with net worth was another major lynchpin of our strategy, and a huge success. The people are driven to make money.  Why use old wineskins when you can buy new ones?  In order to do make money, they need to drive. No pun intended. Driving means gasoline sales, and we sell the gasoline. Higher prices means higher margin, higher profits, higher return on investment, and minimum risk to boot. Record profits! The best part is, when they can find work, they drive to work for us!

The valuation of belief systems has paid off too. How can we be wrong about anything when we’ve determined that all other beliefs and facts yield no value? This is how we can dismiss all opposing viewpoints out of hand. If details are blemishes, our beliefs are unblemished by such minute details as human rights, the rights of others to pursue happiness in this country, or lovingkindness.

Not that this devalues our belief in our essential right to pursue happiness. Remember, we valuated different belief systems. For us, its a belief. For people, its a blemish.

You may ask, with everything going so well, why is our economy in the dumps? Why are the people losing their jobs and their homes to the march of industrial progress, and their lives to Return On Investment? Why is our program, the resounding success that it is, being plagued with details, like equal opportunity and women’s reproductive rights, like so many locusts?

Here’s our answer: Moses won’t put his arm down!

English: Worshiping the golden calf, as in Exo...

Worshipping the Golden Calf


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